So I've started the South Beach Diet. To be honest while I do feel it is a new way of looking at food, a new lifestyle, and all -- I'm still going to call it a diet. :) It's super different though. Instead of the old Weight Watchers idea of looking at fat and fiber, I'm looking at sugars and fiber. It's just a different way of seeing things.
Right now I'm in Phase I which means I can only have veggies (but not corn and carrots), lean meats, low fat cheeses, nuts, beans, and assorted condiments for two weeks. It's not as bad as I thought it would be (and believe me I about cried when I saw the food list at first). I've done it for a day over a week now, and I've lost 6.8 pounds. I can't see the difference in my body yet, but there are some big differences in my life that I notice:
1. I drink a TON of water now. Never before on any diet have I been able to easily drink the amount of water I'm supposed to drink. Now I drink water all day and enjoy it.
2. My refrigerator is full, and my pantry is almost totally barren! Typically it's the other way around for me. My crisper drawers are full; my freezer has veggie stir fry mixes in it; and at the end of the week, I need to buy more! I used to find months old frozen veggies in the freezer and rotted fresh veggies in the crisper drawers.
3. Grocery shopping has totally changed for me. I stick to the edges of the store where the fresh stuff is, and I barely go down any aisles. It's not as expensive to eat healthy as I thought either since I'm just cooking for one.
4. I used to never eat breakfast, and now I eat it daily. I used to say it just made me hungrier earlier to eat in the mornings. Not true anymore -- that was my body burning through the carbs super fast and leaving me hungry!
5. I don't depend on food/snacking so much anymore. Although I'll tell you that you can overdo celery and no sugar added peanut butter. I still have a stomach ache today from that...
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my food. Those first few days I had fairly constant headaches from the lack of caffeine (if it's not real Coke, I didn't really want it anymore, so I switched totally to water). I also wanted to go out and buy a cake and eat the whole thing, but ultimately I didn't want to ruin what I was working towards. I can still enjoy a good steak or a really good meal... I just can't have the carbs. Most of the time I don't miss the stuff I can't have. I tell myself I don't need it, and I move on. Although out of everything I miss I think potatoes rank high on the list, but I'm even starting to stop missing those. I didn't believe that you could reach a point where you didn't miss stuff, but I'm getting there fast. In a week I'll be in Phase II and get to add in some good carbs and some fruits, but I won't be jumping on those. I'm going to do those slowly because I don't want to plateau.
I guess I finally got to the point with my body and my diet that I got to with my spending a few months ago -- it was totally out of control. A while back I wrote about changing my spending habits and working to pay off my credit card debt. I'll be done paying off my credit card in August (or September) because I've really been sticking to my budget. I've gotten to the point where I've learned to live comfortably within my tight budget, and I don't miss shopping sprees anymore. At Christmas time I couldn't go day after Christmas shopping with my mom and sister because I knew I couldn't trust myself NOT to spend money. Now I can go through my favorite clothing store, look around, and leave without buying anything (even that really sparkly top that would look so cute on me)! I decided if I could conquer my money issues, I could conquer my food issues.
I've talked with some of my friends about being supportive. In fact, I've been a bit more stern than I probably needed to be, and while I apologize for that I must say that I have no room for criticism with this new step in my life. Most of my friends have been exactly what I need -- asking how it's going, NOT acting like they can tell that I've lost weight when it's only been 5 pounds (because you can't - don't lie to me!), and being sympathetic on my first day on the diet (when I just wanted to sit around a whine exhaustedly). Thing is... I'm going to be talking about this. I'm going to be sharing my successes when I have them and looking for someone to help me make sense of it all if/when I plateau. I need my friends whether or not they're on South Beach with me or not -- I need them to be there for me. :)
You have to understand, I'm doing this to try to make myself happy with me - to be something I can be happy about. I'm not happy with how I look, and I'm ready to change that. I look back at pictures from late high school and my 1st 2 years of college, and I like the weight I was then. I can get back there and be happy.
I'm also doing this to improve my health and lifestyle. I want to be able to run around with my niece and nephew more easily. I want to sit next to someone and not feel self conscious about how much space I'm taking up. Most importantly I want to bring my blood pressure down before it nudges over borderline into high, and I have to go on meds! LaRae and I have been talking about how much different it will be to visit Disney World again when we're much smaller. :) I look forward to that!
I know somewhere down the road I'm going to have to add in some exercise, but that probably won't happen until this summer. It's pretty amazing to me that I'm willing to start a new diet while state testing season stress is still going full tilt, but I'm ready for a change I guess.
My goal is to hit my goal weight: 150 pounds in a year or so. I'd be super excited if I made it to that weight by the summer after this one coming up. It's time for a new Joanna (spending conquered, onto the next battle)!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Nightmares & Burglaries
My nights have not been so pleasant lately. I've been having vivid nightmares -- so bad that I sometimes wake up gasping for air, clutching for Sprinkles, and at their worst, with my face wet with tears. When I was on antidepressants I would have vivid dreams, and while some were nightmares, others were just weird and not altogether disturbing. This is different; I'm not on meds. I'm just apparently going insane.
A week or two ago it started with a bizarre dream: LaRae, Randy, the kids, and I went back to Disney World. We decided to go deluxe and stay at Caribbean Beach (which is moderate, not deluxe), and somehow in an attempt to save money, we ended up in this group room where we had dorm-like bathrooms (with rows of showers with glass walls) and pool lounge chairs for beds. It was a nightmare in the sense that no one else seemed to be concerned at all about how not ok it was for us to pay so much money to stay in a room with strangers, glass-walled showers, and no real beds!
Last week though, it got bad. It started with me dreaming that I lost Sprinkles on an airport train (through a series of strange flashes of events), and no one was concerned. I was sure he was gone, and I woke up shaking and searching for him. I finally fell back to sleep to have the nightmare end with me finding him finally. Then the nightmare decided I couldn't have happy ending, and I dreamt that Mom and Dad had died, and when we went back for the funeral - LaRae, Sprinkles, and I - we stopped over in Woodstock and then went on to Lake Butler to bury them. Since the house is paid off, our aunt and uncle (I'm not even bothering to say which set since it was a nightmare, and I think it says something about them if I name them) asked to start living in the house. When we came back from the funeral, we needed to stay in Woodstock for a bit, but they'd already moved in. They told me I could sleep outside or on the couch as my old room had already been converted into a study! In the end, my sister was arguing with them that I had to have a place to sleep because even though we said they could use the house, it was still technically ours. I sat in the corner numb and unable to speak. I woke up feeling abandoned, panicked that I had lost those that I love the most, and scared.
Back in the real world -- Friday my aunt's house in Georgia was broken into. They only got away with about $14 in quarters partly because she was smart to keep her real jewelry hidden in separate places and partly, I think, because she interrupted them while they were robbing her house. That's right -- you read it right -- she INTERRUPTED them! From what my dad tells me, she pulled into the garage (midday mind you) and noticed that the door into the house from the garage was open. She thought it was strange but quietly went in the house. From just inside, she thought she could see that the door to the back porch was open, and then the noticed the guest room just inside the garage door had the light on and the door open (which she knew she kept closed since she wasn't using that room lately). She turned around, went outside, and around the house. The door to the basement was closed and locked, but the door on the porch was open, so she went to the neighbor's house. The wife was home and called the police. When the husband came home, he went over (before the police) with a bat or something. The door to the porch was now closed, so he went in. The robbers were gone, but they found a large knife from the kitchen in the guest room (that she had been standing maybe 10 feet from the door!) and one on the floor of the kitchen. When she got home, she apparently hemmed them in. The prospect of them hurting her is terrifying and I am so grateful that she is physically safe. The police refused to even take fingerprints. Jerks. Dad was over there last night putting in some more deadbolts, but Mom said she's not sure when my aunt will ever feel safe going back and staying the night there.
The fear from LaRae's house being broken in to last summer was so strong. We were so lucky that they were out of the house by the time we came home. I can't imagine what would have happened if they had still been there. This break in at my aunt's terrifies me even more. Last night I thought of it just after the lights were out, and I was scared to go to sleep. How does anyone feel safe when jerks like this exist?!
So last night I tossed and turned, so this afternoon I took a nap instead of going to Small Groups (with church). Again, a nightmare ruined my peaceful sleep. This post is long enough, so I'm not going into what the nightmare was... I just don't get why I'm having nightmares. At work, there's stress like every Spring (state testing season and all), but I'm not letting it get to me like usual. I'm more calm, more zen, and more happy than I have been any other Spring so far. After 4 years I finally feel like I have it figured out enough to stay calm. I'm handling everything better.
Maybe I'm not handling it. Maybe I'm just holding it all in, and I'm shoving it so deep down that it's all coming out as nightmares? I don't know the reason for the nightmares or if something deeper is going on in my mind that I'm not fully aware of. I just know that I need to have restful sleep to stay healthy and doing my best in all aspects of my life. Do you believe nightmares have hidden meanings? The theme seems to be loss (even in the one I didn't tell you about). Now on top of stress and long hours at work, I've added fear to the mix, which I'm fighting, but when the lights go off, the mind will wander. It's just weird is all.
On a happy note, I had an awesome Valentine's Day with Katelyn and Joshua that if I have time, I'll write about in a happier post. :) Thank God for great, precious neices and nephews!
A week or two ago it started with a bizarre dream: LaRae, Randy, the kids, and I went back to Disney World. We decided to go deluxe and stay at Caribbean Beach (which is moderate, not deluxe), and somehow in an attempt to save money, we ended up in this group room where we had dorm-like bathrooms (with rows of showers with glass walls) and pool lounge chairs for beds. It was a nightmare in the sense that no one else seemed to be concerned at all about how not ok it was for us to pay so much money to stay in a room with strangers, glass-walled showers, and no real beds!
Last week though, it got bad. It started with me dreaming that I lost Sprinkles on an airport train (through a series of strange flashes of events), and no one was concerned. I was sure he was gone, and I woke up shaking and searching for him. I finally fell back to sleep to have the nightmare end with me finding him finally. Then the nightmare decided I couldn't have happy ending, and I dreamt that Mom and Dad had died, and when we went back for the funeral - LaRae, Sprinkles, and I - we stopped over in Woodstock and then went on to Lake Butler to bury them. Since the house is paid off, our aunt and uncle (I'm not even bothering to say which set since it was a nightmare, and I think it says something about them if I name them) asked to start living in the house. When we came back from the funeral, we needed to stay in Woodstock for a bit, but they'd already moved in. They told me I could sleep outside or on the couch as my old room had already been converted into a study! In the end, my sister was arguing with them that I had to have a place to sleep because even though we said they could use the house, it was still technically ours. I sat in the corner numb and unable to speak. I woke up feeling abandoned, panicked that I had lost those that I love the most, and scared.
Back in the real world -- Friday my aunt's house in Georgia was broken into. They only got away with about $14 in quarters partly because she was smart to keep her real jewelry hidden in separate places and partly, I think, because she interrupted them while they were robbing her house. That's right -- you read it right -- she INTERRUPTED them! From what my dad tells me, she pulled into the garage (midday mind you) and noticed that the door into the house from the garage was open. She thought it was strange but quietly went in the house. From just inside, she thought she could see that the door to the back porch was open, and then the noticed the guest room just inside the garage door had the light on and the door open (which she knew she kept closed since she wasn't using that room lately). She turned around, went outside, and around the house. The door to the basement was closed and locked, but the door on the porch was open, so she went to the neighbor's house. The wife was home and called the police. When the husband came home, he went over (before the police) with a bat or something. The door to the porch was now closed, so he went in. The robbers were gone, but they found a large knife from the kitchen in the guest room (that she had been standing maybe 10 feet from the door!) and one on the floor of the kitchen. When she got home, she apparently hemmed them in. The prospect of them hurting her is terrifying and I am so grateful that she is physically safe. The police refused to even take fingerprints. Jerks. Dad was over there last night putting in some more deadbolts, but Mom said she's not sure when my aunt will ever feel safe going back and staying the night there.
The fear from LaRae's house being broken in to last summer was so strong. We were so lucky that they were out of the house by the time we came home. I can't imagine what would have happened if they had still been there. This break in at my aunt's terrifies me even more. Last night I thought of it just after the lights were out, and I was scared to go to sleep. How does anyone feel safe when jerks like this exist?!
So last night I tossed and turned, so this afternoon I took a nap instead of going to Small Groups (with church). Again, a nightmare ruined my peaceful sleep. This post is long enough, so I'm not going into what the nightmare was... I just don't get why I'm having nightmares. At work, there's stress like every Spring (state testing season and all), but I'm not letting it get to me like usual. I'm more calm, more zen, and more happy than I have been any other Spring so far. After 4 years I finally feel like I have it figured out enough to stay calm. I'm handling everything better.
Maybe I'm not handling it. Maybe I'm just holding it all in, and I'm shoving it so deep down that it's all coming out as nightmares? I don't know the reason for the nightmares or if something deeper is going on in my mind that I'm not fully aware of. I just know that I need to have restful sleep to stay healthy and doing my best in all aspects of my life. Do you believe nightmares have hidden meanings? The theme seems to be loss (even in the one I didn't tell you about). Now on top of stress and long hours at work, I've added fear to the mix, which I'm fighting, but when the lights go off, the mind will wander. It's just weird is all.
On a happy note, I had an awesome Valentine's Day with Katelyn and Joshua that if I have time, I'll write about in a happier post. :) Thank God for great, precious neices and nephews!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Contemplating the "Add"
I teach high school. I see high school drama daily. There's a reason we call it "high school drama." It's hormone-driven, brought on by the lack of wisdom of youth, and typically totally unnecessary. Sitting there reading this I bet you can easily recall bits of your own high school drama. Often I think that drama is some of the stuff we most regret, but back then could we really stop it from happening?
"I'm so sick of drama!" It's an anthem painfully screamed by many to no avail. Heck, I still scream it (with a bit less melodrama of a 15 year old) at work and at home from time to time. Being sick of drama doesn't make it go away. Being aware of the drama doesn't make it go away. Drama is drama is drama.
So I'm on Facebook, been on there for a year or so. Like most of the newcomers to Facebook, I didn't discover it until I was out of school. When I first joined, I was pleasantly surprised at the number of friend requests I made and received. It was great! Every time I turned on my computer more people wanted to catch up with me! I had a lot of friends and acquaintances in high school, but I also knew drama (and often it was "band drama" which I am now convinced is some of the worst high school drama out there). I also had quite a few friends in college, and I was able to find them all and catch up on Facebook. Ah, the joy of the internet -- allowing us to "catch up" without even speaking! If only I'd found this sooner!
Truth is that I've always been looking forward in my life. I hit a point in high school where all I wanted was to leave and be at Harding. I was so focused on Harding and my goals that I lost some friends along the way. I was miserably depressed (totally undiagnosed until college) and needed a fresh start. In college I was focused on the joy of being at Harding... for a while. Then I adopted the "eyes on the prize" attitude and craved my own classroom. I don't know that I lost college friends from that per say, but I did weed out the ones who weren't helping me be the person I wanted to be (in that last year or so).
So now I'm a teacher. I'm done with being a high school-er. I'm through with Harding. Where is my prize? It's Heaven. I'm ok waiting a while for that one -- making my mark on this earth and trying to bring more souls with me when I go. That's the big difference I guess: I'm trying to bring people with me to my final prize.
OK, I'm digressing from my title of my post. So recently I've put in friend requests to a couple of people that I counted as either best friends or ex-boyfriends from high school, and (I'm sort of ashamed to say) they didn't add me. You can tell, you know? It goes from saying "friend requested" by their name to "add as friend". They ignored my request. Not one to give up easily, I requested their add again, this time with a kind note. DENIED! What?! How could you not want to be my friend! Ding Ding Ding! There it is. Did you see it? High school drama -- snuck right back in and claimed my mind. Suddenly I'm stuck sitting here feeling like one of my students: rejected and like the world's against me. Sigh.
I started reflecting. See in my "eyes on the prize" journey from teen years to now, I lost touch with people. I'm very much an "out of sight, out of mind" person. If you leave, if you move, I lose touch. You can't count on me to be the one to pick up the phone. Now, if you pick it up, I'm much more likely to keep in touch and return calls. It takes effort though, and I hate the phone. If I'd kept up better with email addresses, or we'd had Facebook after high school, I think it would have been so much more different. I wouldn't have hurt feeling by not keeping up like I should have.
College friends all pretty much add me. Not enough time has gone by for them to realize that I'm horrid at keeping up. Thank you Facebook for helping me reconnect with them before it was too late to catch up.
After reflecting (and agonizing a bit), I talked to my sister (who must have a hidden "How to be the Best Big Sister and Give the Best Advice" manual around somewhere), and I thought about it, and I came to one big conclusion: who cares?? Easy, eh? No excuses really. So I didn't keep up; you didn't either. I refuse to be defined by my past, and if someone who was my friend can't give me the chance to see that I've changed, so be it. Really it all comes down to the fact that we're all human. We all make mistakes, and we're all worth knowing. So we lost touch; use this time to get back in touch. Don't hold grudges. What's the point? I think I have learned to forgive so easily because I have been forgiven much (by God and those who love me).
So it comes down to this really. Do we let high school drama come back up in our adult lives, or do we just get over it, re-connect, and move on? I choose the latter. I have no time for drama. I have no patience with drama unless it's true high school drama. After all I'm a high school teacher. One of the reasons to be one is to help my students through that drama, so one day they can say "I don't care if you didn't add me. Quit being petty." I miss those I can't catch up with, don't get me wrong, but I won't shed any tears over it. I can't because I'm sick of drama. :)
Authors' Disclaimer: Should you find me on said Facebook, I will honor your friend request as long as I know who you are (since my momma taught me not to talk to strangers) and you are not one of my students (as the district asks us not to add you).
"I'm so sick of drama!" It's an anthem painfully screamed by many to no avail. Heck, I still scream it (with a bit less melodrama of a 15 year old) at work and at home from time to time. Being sick of drama doesn't make it go away. Being aware of the drama doesn't make it go away. Drama is drama is drama.
So I'm on Facebook, been on there for a year or so. Like most of the newcomers to Facebook, I didn't discover it until I was out of school. When I first joined, I was pleasantly surprised at the number of friend requests I made and received. It was great! Every time I turned on my computer more people wanted to catch up with me! I had a lot of friends and acquaintances in high school, but I also knew drama (and often it was "band drama" which I am now convinced is some of the worst high school drama out there). I also had quite a few friends in college, and I was able to find them all and catch up on Facebook. Ah, the joy of the internet -- allowing us to "catch up" without even speaking! If only I'd found this sooner!
Truth is that I've always been looking forward in my life. I hit a point in high school where all I wanted was to leave and be at Harding. I was so focused on Harding and my goals that I lost some friends along the way. I was miserably depressed (totally undiagnosed until college) and needed a fresh start. In college I was focused on the joy of being at Harding... for a while. Then I adopted the "eyes on the prize" attitude and craved my own classroom. I don't know that I lost college friends from that per say, but I did weed out the ones who weren't helping me be the person I wanted to be (in that last year or so).
So now I'm a teacher. I'm done with being a high school-er. I'm through with Harding. Where is my prize? It's Heaven. I'm ok waiting a while for that one -- making my mark on this earth and trying to bring more souls with me when I go. That's the big difference I guess: I'm trying to bring people with me to my final prize.
OK, I'm digressing from my title of my post. So recently I've put in friend requests to a couple of people that I counted as either best friends or ex-boyfriends from high school, and (I'm sort of ashamed to say) they didn't add me. You can tell, you know? It goes from saying "friend requested" by their name to "add as friend". They ignored my request. Not one to give up easily, I requested their add again, this time with a kind note. DENIED! What?! How could you not want to be my friend! Ding Ding Ding! There it is. Did you see it? High school drama -- snuck right back in and claimed my mind. Suddenly I'm stuck sitting here feeling like one of my students: rejected and like the world's against me. Sigh.
I started reflecting. See in my "eyes on the prize" journey from teen years to now, I lost touch with people. I'm very much an "out of sight, out of mind" person. If you leave, if you move, I lose touch. You can't count on me to be the one to pick up the phone. Now, if you pick it up, I'm much more likely to keep in touch and return calls. It takes effort though, and I hate the phone. If I'd kept up better with email addresses, or we'd had Facebook after high school, I think it would have been so much more different. I wouldn't have hurt feeling by not keeping up like I should have.
College friends all pretty much add me. Not enough time has gone by for them to realize that I'm horrid at keeping up. Thank you Facebook for helping me reconnect with them before it was too late to catch up.
After reflecting (and agonizing a bit), I talked to my sister (who must have a hidden "How to be the Best Big Sister and Give the Best Advice" manual around somewhere), and I thought about it, and I came to one big conclusion: who cares?? Easy, eh? No excuses really. So I didn't keep up; you didn't either. I refuse to be defined by my past, and if someone who was my friend can't give me the chance to see that I've changed, so be it. Really it all comes down to the fact that we're all human. We all make mistakes, and we're all worth knowing. So we lost touch; use this time to get back in touch. Don't hold grudges. What's the point? I think I have learned to forgive so easily because I have been forgiven much (by God and those who love me).
So it comes down to this really. Do we let high school drama come back up in our adult lives, or do we just get over it, re-connect, and move on? I choose the latter. I have no time for drama. I have no patience with drama unless it's true high school drama. After all I'm a high school teacher. One of the reasons to be one is to help my students through that drama, so one day they can say "I don't care if you didn't add me. Quit being petty." I miss those I can't catch up with, don't get me wrong, but I won't shed any tears over it. I can't because I'm sick of drama. :)
Authors' Disclaimer: Should you find me on said Facebook, I will honor your friend request as long as I know who you are (since my momma taught me not to talk to strangers) and you are not one of my students (as the district asks us not to add you).
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I've got the economy.
My family and I laughed at someone on the DIS who posted that she thought "people with the economy" would be cancelling their Disney vacations, and so Disney was going to do some huge promo. Yes, they're doing a huge promo now, but we were laughing at the idea of people actually having the ecomony... like a disease. It's become a running joke with us -- "look out for the economy! I hear it's catching!" Yes yes ha ha... but I have the economy. Seriously.
I've written about money woes before on my blog, and I'm totally comfortable talking money (gasp) bc we all have issues, we all have our own personal woes, and honestly, it's my blog, so if you don't like it, don't read it. :) I thought a progress report would be nice though, and I need to write to clear my head a bit.
When my Aunt Mary passed away about a month ago, and I looked at my credit card and realized it was super high, and I realized I couldn't afford to go to the funeral, I finally started facing the fact that I have a problem. Thankfully a co-worker bailed me out and got me to the funeral using some frequent flyer miles, but I didn't just thank God and continue about my life like nothing was wrong. I read some articles, I looked at my budget vs what I was really spending, and I got honest with myself.
I am a shopaholic. No jokes. No excuses. I shop to alleviate stress, to make myself feel better, to try to make people like me (oh yeah, I'm a gift giver). You name it, I can rationalize buying it (today, no hesitations, no second thoughts, and NO buyer's remorse). Want to know specifics? How about using my stimulus check on a 42 inch flat panel TV? Tax return you ask? New furniture for my living room. Those cute tops I wear? Well I need to look good to teach bc the kids notice. My $1000 cookware -- the Teflon gives you cancer. My china dishes? Well even if I'm not getting married, I still deserve nice china. I could go on. I'm not cheap. I've been like this for a while. It's been getting worse.
OK, you might be rolling your eyes right now, but I'm serious. This is a disease. This is a horrible horrible addiction I have decided is not ok and I have to break.
I started by going cold turkey on spending for a month. No buying anything but the neccessities (and comic books -- they were the only thing on the ok list but I'm working to cut back). I had to live off the food in my fridge and pantry but could buy things like milk, bread, and produce. I did not give up luxuries like internet and my DVR, but I didn't buy non-consumables -- no extra clothing, no jewelry, no purses, no trinkets, no stationary, you get the picture. Oh yeah, here's the worst part: no eating out.
I made it through my month. I greatly missed the eating out with my friends on Sundays. I missed the fellowship, but I found it in other ways, in other places, and for free. I didn't miss the crowds, waiting for a table, figuring out where to eat, the bad service, the cranky kids waiting for food that made us sick bc it was so fat laden. No, all of that I did not miss.
OK, so one month later, and I'm telling LaRae today that I feel empowered. I'm not just trying to pay off my credit card, I'm trying to fix the problem, and I'm winning... mostly. How in the world did I used to grocery shop without looking at prices?! How did I not pay attention to how much I was spending for ridiculous stuff??? It's getting easier to tell myself no to things. It's getting easier to plan a menu for the week. It's getting easier to miss those Sunday meals. It's partially easier bc my sister and her family are cutting back too. Besides the raving madness that it materialism/consumerism is sickening, and I'm ready to not be known for my stuff but for me.
Today it got hard. Change isn't easy. Today I realized that to do small presents for everyone on the math team (15 people!), to get to go to Pokeno, to get to BUY GAS to make my car run, I needed to cut back a few more things. That means no VRCC Christmas Party ($5 per person, hosting a table, and an ornament exchange!) -- which meant letting Jenn down by backing out of hosting a table with her. On the upside, it also meant that LaRae and Randy could have a much needed night out with friends bc I can provide free babysitting for them. It means no jackpot round at Pokeno. When you see $5 as a whole chicken that makes two full recipies and leftovers for a days on end, you don't want to gamble it away. It means watching where I drive and staying in even more. It means I cried on the way home from LaRae's tonight when I had to call Jenn and tell her I was sorry I couldn't do the party and when I realized my happy victory over a month of not spending was now tainted by the realization that this isn't easy.
Mostly it means I'm starting to feel like in the process of letting myself down, I let my friends down too. I mean, this is my problem. I have to fix it. As a result, I can't do my normal fellowship with my friends bc I'm choosing not to spend money on the things we used to do to socialize. I feel like it's making it seem like I'm pulling away, and I'm totally not... I just have to let them down sometimes (like with the hosting of the table). I miss going out. I miss my friends. I feel bad saying no, but I need them to understand why. This isn't a new kick I'm on that's going away. This is tightening up FOR REAL until my debt is gone, and I'm able to actually put real money into savings. One day I'll be able to go out to eat some again and go to movies and such, but understand -- that "one day" is not coming up soon. Please understand that I'm still here, I'm still fun, but if you want to be with me, we have to come up with something that's free to do. :) Let's share a potluck meal at each other's homes, let's have a game night, but let's not forget me. I haven't forgotten you.
I'll post something fun again soon -- I'm trying to update my blog again more often, so check back soon.
I've written about money woes before on my blog, and I'm totally comfortable talking money (gasp) bc we all have issues, we all have our own personal woes, and honestly, it's my blog, so if you don't like it, don't read it. :) I thought a progress report would be nice though, and I need to write to clear my head a bit.
When my Aunt Mary passed away about a month ago, and I looked at my credit card and realized it was super high, and I realized I couldn't afford to go to the funeral, I finally started facing the fact that I have a problem. Thankfully a co-worker bailed me out and got me to the funeral using some frequent flyer miles, but I didn't just thank God and continue about my life like nothing was wrong. I read some articles, I looked at my budget vs what I was really spending, and I got honest with myself.
I am a shopaholic. No jokes. No excuses. I shop to alleviate stress, to make myself feel better, to try to make people like me (oh yeah, I'm a gift giver). You name it, I can rationalize buying it (today, no hesitations, no second thoughts, and NO buyer's remorse). Want to know specifics? How about using my stimulus check on a 42 inch flat panel TV? Tax return you ask? New furniture for my living room. Those cute tops I wear? Well I need to look good to teach bc the kids notice. My $1000 cookware -- the Teflon gives you cancer. My china dishes? Well even if I'm not getting married, I still deserve nice china. I could go on. I'm not cheap. I've been like this for a while. It's been getting worse.
OK, you might be rolling your eyes right now, but I'm serious. This is a disease. This is a horrible horrible addiction I have decided is not ok and I have to break.
I started by going cold turkey on spending for a month. No buying anything but the neccessities (and comic books -- they were the only thing on the ok list but I'm working to cut back). I had to live off the food in my fridge and pantry but could buy things like milk, bread, and produce. I did not give up luxuries like internet and my DVR, but I didn't buy non-consumables -- no extra clothing, no jewelry, no purses, no trinkets, no stationary, you get the picture. Oh yeah, here's the worst part: no eating out.
I made it through my month. I greatly missed the eating out with my friends on Sundays. I missed the fellowship, but I found it in other ways, in other places, and for free. I didn't miss the crowds, waiting for a table, figuring out where to eat, the bad service, the cranky kids waiting for food that made us sick bc it was so fat laden. No, all of that I did not miss.
OK, so one month later, and I'm telling LaRae today that I feel empowered. I'm not just trying to pay off my credit card, I'm trying to fix the problem, and I'm winning... mostly. How in the world did I used to grocery shop without looking at prices?! How did I not pay attention to how much I was spending for ridiculous stuff??? It's getting easier to tell myself no to things. It's getting easier to plan a menu for the week. It's getting easier to miss those Sunday meals. It's partially easier bc my sister and her family are cutting back too. Besides the raving madness that it materialism/consumerism is sickening, and I'm ready to not be known for my stuff but for me.
Today it got hard. Change isn't easy. Today I realized that to do small presents for everyone on the math team (15 people!), to get to go to Pokeno, to get to BUY GAS to make my car run, I needed to cut back a few more things. That means no VRCC Christmas Party ($5 per person, hosting a table, and an ornament exchange!) -- which meant letting Jenn down by backing out of hosting a table with her. On the upside, it also meant that LaRae and Randy could have a much needed night out with friends bc I can provide free babysitting for them. It means no jackpot round at Pokeno. When you see $5 as a whole chicken that makes two full recipies and leftovers for a days on end, you don't want to gamble it away. It means watching where I drive and staying in even more. It means I cried on the way home from LaRae's tonight when I had to call Jenn and tell her I was sorry I couldn't do the party and when I realized my happy victory over a month of not spending was now tainted by the realization that this isn't easy.
Mostly it means I'm starting to feel like in the process of letting myself down, I let my friends down too. I mean, this is my problem. I have to fix it. As a result, I can't do my normal fellowship with my friends bc I'm choosing not to spend money on the things we used to do to socialize. I feel like it's making it seem like I'm pulling away, and I'm totally not... I just have to let them down sometimes (like with the hosting of the table). I miss going out. I miss my friends. I feel bad saying no, but I need them to understand why. This isn't a new kick I'm on that's going away. This is tightening up FOR REAL until my debt is gone, and I'm able to actually put real money into savings. One day I'll be able to go out to eat some again and go to movies and such, but understand -- that "one day" is not coming up soon. Please understand that I'm still here, I'm still fun, but if you want to be with me, we have to come up with something that's free to do. :) Let's share a potluck meal at each other's homes, let's have a game night, but let's not forget me. I haven't forgotten you.
I'll post something fun again soon -- I'm trying to update my blog again more often, so check back soon.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Black Friday
It's almost 3pm, and it feels like it should be midnight! Wowza.
I got up this morning around 5:45 and was out the door and to Staples by 6:15! I ordered a new laptop a couple of days ago, so I found Office 2007 for $59.99 there, and I wanted to make sure I got a copy. I severely underestimated the crowds that would be at Staples. The lines were quite long but not ridiculous... until the woman 5 people in front of me had issues with how her printer was ringing up. (Oh yeah, this is after a couple cut in front of me in line, but I didn't want to have a Black Friday Altercation, so I just decided to stay calm, enjoy my day of shopping, and let them stay ahead of me since they were obviously in a bigger hurry than I!) Manager comes up, settles the issue, leaves, and irate shopper lady decides to continue arguing the SAME issue with the cashier again! 30 minutes later (I refused to go to another line figuring this one would start moving soon...) -- they move persistent annoying shopper lady to the front desk with the manager. When I left 10 minutes later, she was still there. Hun, the sales are great... give up your argument!
OK, so it's about 7:15 and drizzling rain when I get to Toys R Us (after a quick stop to feed Paul and Jennifer's cats). Before you pass me off as totally insane for going there on Black Friday, hear me out. I used the million and five (ok maybe a few less) credit card points I had accumulated to get gift cards to do Christmas shopping this year, and Toys R Us was just one of them. So I'm on the phone with my parents as I'm trying to get a parking place. It was in a HUGE puddle and "right out from the middle of nowhere" (as I told my mother when she helpfully reminded me to note where I was parked out from), but it was a parking place. I ignored the crowds and slowly and carefully hunted for the perfect gifts for Katelyn and Joshua. I found them (not telling!) and went to check out. I kid you not -- the line was wrapped around the entire store all the way to the back of the store, but it moved fast because unlike Staples, they had one line that fed to the registers, so problems at one register wouldn't stop a TON of shoppers. I loved this check out experience! It was great!
Again, amazed at how early it was, I went on to Barnes and Noble. I cleaned my garage last night and found a gift card for there that a student had given me for Christmas last year! Rock on! So I was able to get the Twilight Movie Companion I've had my eye on for a while, and I have some money leftover on the card for the Tales of Beedle the Bard when it comes out! Yea!
I got up this morning around 5:45 and was out the door and to Staples by 6:15! I ordered a new laptop a couple of days ago, so I found Office 2007 for $59.99 there, and I wanted to make sure I got a copy. I severely underestimated the crowds that would be at Staples. The lines were quite long but not ridiculous... until the woman 5 people in front of me had issues with how her printer was ringing up. (Oh yeah, this is after a couple cut in front of me in line, but I didn't want to have a Black Friday Altercation, so I just decided to stay calm, enjoy my day of shopping, and let them stay ahead of me since they were obviously in a bigger hurry than I!) Manager comes up, settles the issue, leaves, and irate shopper lady decides to continue arguing the SAME issue with the cashier again! 30 minutes later (I refused to go to another line figuring this one would start moving soon...) -- they move persistent annoying shopper lady to the front desk with the manager. When I left 10 minutes later, she was still there. Hun, the sales are great... give up your argument!OK, so it's about 7:15 and drizzling rain when I get to Toys R Us (after a quick stop to feed Paul and Jennifer's cats). Before you pass me off as totally insane for going there on Black Friday, hear me out. I used the million and five (ok maybe a few less) credit card points I had accumulated to get gift cards to do Christmas shopping this year, and Toys R Us was just one of them. So I'm on the phone with my parents as I'm trying to get a parking place. It was in a HUGE puddle and "right out from the middle of nowhere" (as I told my mother when she helpfully reminded me to note where I was parked out from), but it was a parking place. I ignored the crowds and slowly and carefully hunted for the perfect gifts for Katelyn and Joshua. I found them (not telling!) and went to check out. I kid you not -- the line was wrapped around the entire store all the way to the back of the store, but it moved fast because unlike Staples, they had one line that fed to the registers, so problems at one register wouldn't stop a TON of shoppers. I loved this check out experience! It was great!On to Bed, Bath, and Beyond! Here was a lot less crowded than other places. I found wonderful gifts for Mom, Dad, and LaRae (gift cards for spending again), but it took me a LONG time bc I kept going back to other things trying to decide. Anyhoo -- BBB was uneventful if you don't count the fact that when I left and put my bags in my car, I was really starting to feel panicky that I'd spent sooooo much money today, but then I told myself it was gift cards, so I calmed down. It's nice to spend money that isn't out of my paycheck. :)
Again, amazed at how early it was, I went on to Barnes and Noble. I cleaned my garage last night and found a gift card for there that a student had given me for Christmas last year! Rock on! So I was able to get the Twilight Movie Companion I've had my eye on for a while, and I have some money leftover on the card for the Tales of Beedle the Bard when it comes out! Yea!It was almost 10 by that time, so I decided to go home and bone out the chicken that I'd cooked in the crock pot. Yum! I'll make something yummy for dinner tonight.
Then I decided it was time to go to the mall. Gasp! I went to see the 11:15 am showing of Twilight (2nd time I've seen it, but I deserved a treat). Here's another pic for all of you Rob Pattinson fans -- it's he hot?? 
After that I hit Lane Bryant for the buy one, get one sale (biggest sale I've seen there EVER). I actually called my mom before I went in and after I left. All I was getting was 2 pairs of jeans. I actually walked toward something maroon and sparkly and said "no" out loud! I'm still really learning to control my spending addiction, so it was actually nice to have the support. :) I did it too! I just got 2 pairs of jeans!
Anyways, so it's now 3:15-ish, and I've been all over and done so much today! It's really quite insane. I'm trying not to nap, so that I can go to bed early tonight and get a good night's sleep. Hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving and fun Black Friday!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I Rescued a Human Today
I don't normally post these email forwards, but this one brought a tear to my eye. In some ways, Sprinkles rescued my life (even though he wasn't from a shelter...).
Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels. I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her. I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid.
As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage. I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today. Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.
As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past. I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someone's life.
She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me. I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her. Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for companionship.
A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well. Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms. I would promise to keep her safe. I would promise to always be by her side. I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes. I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor. So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors. So many more to be saved. At least I could save one.
I rescued a human today.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
10 Things I'm Loving at this Moment
1. The phrase "Aunt Joanna... I wuv you!" I can't hear that enough.
2. Joshua wanting to cuddle with me. It's going to be a bummer when he's too old to cuddle with his aunt. For now though I'll cuddle just as long as he wants!
3. Katelyn wanting to cuddle with me. Reading stories with her or combing her hair while we watch "Dancing with the Stars" are little memories I'll always cherish.
4. Eating dinner at home or at my sister's house with her family. Not spending the time driving to a restaurant and then waiting for a table, waiting to order, waiting for our food, waiting to pay, and driving home takes a lot of the crankiness out of the kids and leaves a lot more time to play. :) It's giving me more cheap quality time being the "cool" aunt.
5. My sister time... lately it's been a drive home together from church or a drive to Bunco together, but it's those times when I get to talk to LaRae without children distracting either of us that I get some great bonding time in.
6. My bro in law being cool with me being over and playing with the kids a lot. It makes a difference to have him actually mention something to the kids about how lucky they are to have their aunt around to play with. It makes me feel more a part of the family and much less like the lonely bother that I sometimes feel like. :)
OK I'll move out of the family stuff now.
7. Learning how to spend money wisely. Hi. My name is Joanna and I'm a shopaholic. No seriously, I'm fully admitting it now and am working on it. I've taken the Becky Bloomwood stance of MMM or CB (make more money or cut back). I've chosen (or life has chosen for me) to CB. After a week I'm already really learning that I don't need to go buy things to feel better about myself.
8. My puppy dog. OK I always love him, but Sprinkles has been extra cuddly and fun lately.
9. My job. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I love the challenge of teaching Geometry even if sometimes it's stressful. I have always felt that I was put on this earth to teach, and even when it's stressful (which it's really been lately), I need to lift my head, find my joy again, and focus on being the best I can be at what I do.
10. My DVR. Petty. Worldly. I know. I don't care! I LOVE my DVR. I love not being tied down to my TV but always being able to catch my shows. I love the random surprises that my series recordings catch like new "Jonas Brothers: Living the Dream" 5 minute segments. It's ok. I'll admit I love JB! lol.
I have more, but I thought it would be good to share a nice even 10 tonight. I need to start blogging with pictures again soon. Oh well. Stop for a moment and think about the 10 things you're loving at this moment. :)
2. Joshua wanting to cuddle with me. It's going to be a bummer when he's too old to cuddle with his aunt. For now though I'll cuddle just as long as he wants!
3. Katelyn wanting to cuddle with me. Reading stories with her or combing her hair while we watch "Dancing with the Stars" are little memories I'll always cherish.
4. Eating dinner at home or at my sister's house with her family. Not spending the time driving to a restaurant and then waiting for a table, waiting to order, waiting for our food, waiting to pay, and driving home takes a lot of the crankiness out of the kids and leaves a lot more time to play. :) It's giving me more cheap quality time being the "cool" aunt.
5. My sister time... lately it's been a drive home together from church or a drive to Bunco together, but it's those times when I get to talk to LaRae without children distracting either of us that I get some great bonding time in.
6. My bro in law being cool with me being over and playing with the kids a lot. It makes a difference to have him actually mention something to the kids about how lucky they are to have their aunt around to play with. It makes me feel more a part of the family and much less like the lonely bother that I sometimes feel like. :)
OK I'll move out of the family stuff now.
7. Learning how to spend money wisely. Hi. My name is Joanna and I'm a shopaholic. No seriously, I'm fully admitting it now and am working on it. I've taken the Becky Bloomwood stance of MMM or CB (make more money or cut back). I've chosen (or life has chosen for me) to CB. After a week I'm already really learning that I don't need to go buy things to feel better about myself.
8. My puppy dog. OK I always love him, but Sprinkles has been extra cuddly and fun lately.
9. My job. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I love the challenge of teaching Geometry even if sometimes it's stressful. I have always felt that I was put on this earth to teach, and even when it's stressful (which it's really been lately), I need to lift my head, find my joy again, and focus on being the best I can be at what I do.
10. My DVR. Petty. Worldly. I know. I don't care! I LOVE my DVR. I love not being tied down to my TV but always being able to catch my shows. I love the random surprises that my series recordings catch like new "Jonas Brothers: Living the Dream" 5 minute segments. It's ok. I'll admit I love JB! lol.
I have more, but I thought it would be good to share a nice even 10 tonight. I need to start blogging with pictures again soon. Oh well. Stop for a moment and think about the 10 things you're loving at this moment. :)
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