Monday, October 06, 2008

Follow Up

Well Folks -- I thought I should write a follow up to my last post -- if I even have any readers left. I did get to go to the funeral afterall. My next door teacher at work gave me some frequent flyer miles to help me be near my family. Isn't God great? :) It was where I needed to be. I don't really want to write about it much though. It was just so surreal; even seeing her doesn't make her feel truly gone. Please pray for my family for time to heal the pain.

On a totally different note: I'm struggling with an emotion tonight that I don't truly have too often... well is "hate" an emotion? I mean true, teeth-clenching, body-shaking, seeing-red hate. What bothers me the most is while I'm hating him, I'm hating myself too. I hate that I let him get in my head and bother me, that I spent so much wasted time with him, that I knew he would never fit in my world and I tried to force him in anyways. I hate that I was so desperate to have someone that I settled for someone totally wrong for me. I hate that he's trying to make me jealous by saying he has someone -- but he's lied to me before, so why believe him now?? I hate that while I don't want him anymore, I don't want anyone else to want him. Mostly I hate how moronic, ridiculous, and not a match for me that he is. It's not fair to feel like that about someone. It's not loving, it's not Christian. Hate isn't of God, but right now I can't see straight. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me, but I don't know where this emotion is coming from. Well maybe if I'm honest it's coming from disappointment in myself. My disappointment hinges on him and our past together. I regret that year or more of time I was with him. I regret the wasted time that I could have been doing something else -- something better with my life. Why did I fool myself into believing that being with someone who wasn't the One was better than being lonely? Lonely is always better. I need to get used to lonely. Make it my friend. Me and lonely -- we're together now.

I know most of that doesn't make sense, and right now I just don't care! I know it's childish to post this on my blog, but again I just don't care. I know I'm throwing a lot out there but ya know... you get the picture. Whatever.

2 comments:

  1. You know you never have to be lonely as long as we are around. We love you!
    LaRae's Team

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  2. I'm so sorry that you're upset. :o( Each experience truly does help define us I feel. I've had some HORRIBLE relationships, some I wish I could've take back...it may seem now that the time was wasted, but in time you'll see how much you have grown from it.

    ~big hugs~

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