I Wrote a 3 Page Blog Update...

...in Word and saved it to my desktop. It's still sitting there, subtly titled "Blog", waiting to be posted. I think that's where I'm going to leave it. That entry was like free therapy more than anything.

You all know I'm open and honest... bluntly so at my worst, but for some reason I've let a simple Google search come between me and updating. See, I look at my blog, and I see that's it's 4 years old. Before that I was on Xanga, and it's possible that I was somewhere else blogging before that. Sad, isn't it, when you actually lose track of where your virtual diaries are? Heh. Back to Google: you've Google'd yourself right? We all have at some point or another. I have spent years happily masked by "Joan Crawford", the actress. Thank you, ma'am, even though our first names are not the same, I am still fairly anonymous unless I want to be found. The other day, I realized all that had changed.

Ever try to Google the user name that you typically use? For some of you, it's not a big deal: your typical user name is a band or something fairly vague that doesn't turn up just you. Google "everydaymathchick" though... go ahead... I'll wait. I'll just sit here and look out the window at all the pretty clouds and SQUIRREL! (Hmm, I want to watch Up again.) How's the search going? Oh while you're doing that, do an image search. (By the way, no Google, I don't mean every day math chick!) Yeah, see my smiling face? Joan Crawford can't hide me now. You can see a bunch of DISigns and go straight to my DISboards design threads. You can see what I looked like when I dyed my hair black again after the pink highlights. (Yes, you can also see my toilet behind me from when I took that goofy picture!) You can also, most importantly, find my blog... easily. That's the issue with having a unique screen name that you use in most places. I use the same name on dating sites as I use here and on message boards. Oh, now you're starting to see my panic, yes?

I don't mind being out there really. What I do mind is that my blog details my struggles with weight loss (still working on it) which my last "guy" found and nagged me about asking if I was going to keep losing weight and saying I was cute now but would be HOT when I reached my goal (yes, I cried a lot over that one). I posted about my weight loss journey to help others doing the same thing and to update my friends and family. (By the way, I do look cute as I am. I'm not, by any means, huge, but I do want to lose more weight.) I'm not superficial, but I am human. I guess I don't want someone superficial anyways. Beyond that one period of time though, there's TONS of Joanna information on this blog. It chronicles my growth as a person over 4 years!

Here's my fear... someone getting to know me Googles me by screen name. They read 2006 and make judgements from it about who I am today. Not so cool, right? Is that a legitimate fear even? Is anyone that unintelligent to think I'm the same now as I was 4 years ago?

Part of me laments the idea of killing my blog. I like to go back and read where I was and how I've grown. The cute posts of Sprinkles still make me smile. Part of me wants to delete the whole thing though. For now, it stays, but I'm still keeping my saved blog post to myself. ;-)

Side note for those of you who are curious:
My blog post was about my fear of abandonment (not by my family or friends at this point but by those I am in a relationship with or starting a relationship with). It's a big fear that has been reinforced. Life goes on though, and I think honesty in a relationship helps solve a lot... as well as not playing mind games. I don't do that.

On another side note:
There's another user name where you can find all my ToonTown activities *fast* but we'll save that one for another day. :-D